We cling to our bad feelings and beat ourselves with the past when what we should do is let go of it. Once you let go of guilt, then you go and change the world.
–James Carol
I’ve been reading a wonderful book, the The Now Habit
This concept really resonates with another favorite of mine, How To Stop Worrying & Start Living by Dale Carnegie.
I’ll admit I’m attracted to these topics because I’ve always struggled with these negative feelings. I know I’m not alone here. Every goal oriented, uber-productive person I’ve ever met has done battle in this area.
The sad truth is, I think many of us cling to these feelings like a huggy-blanket. There’s a secret side to us that holds on to the believe that whatever success we’ve achieved has been a result of our ‘tendencies.’
Some Sick Rationalizations About Our Negative Feelings
Guilt - Keeps me honest. It gets me moving when I’ve let myself linger too long in the self-indulgent pleasure of living life. It reminds me of things I’ve forgotten, commitments I’ve made, things I should have done already.
Worry- Keeps me vigilant. Without fear I wouldn’t be scanning the horizon looking for possible. I wouldn’t roll a situation around in my mind a million times to find the 1 or 2 ‘gotchas’ that 99.999% of the rest of the world would miss.
Fear - Keeps me safe. Fear keeps me from actions that could hurt me later. Fear is my sixth-sense to realize when any given situation is prone to blow apart. If I want keep what I’ve had I better be fearful so I can recognize danger when it’s coming.
The ironic dilemma in all this?
- Guilt, worry & fear lead to workaholism.
- Workaholism leads to resentment.
- Resentment which leads to procrastination
- …which then leads to guilt…
And round and round we go.
So while we may hold on to these habits as secrets to our success, they’re really what are holding us back from going to the next level.
Some Ideas to Deal with Guilt, Worry & Fear
Morning Checklist List - In a previous, post I demonstrated my process for getting my head on straight before diving into work. We wake up and our mind is filled with all the stresses of the day ahead. Unless we deal with all the noise running around in our head BEFORE we start working, we’re going to be in victims to it all day long.
Get It On Paper - There’s a magic that happens when you put your fear on paper. Suddenly, it’s not that scary anymore. You isolate an issue and immediately your brain goes into problem solving mode. You can make intelligent choices and determine the next action towards resolution (or prevention).
In fact, articulating our fears can actually kick start a project. It will help you identify why you aren’t delegating more of the work out, why you aren’t taking action
Schedule time for Guilt Free Play — Work expands to fill time. And when you’re the boss, it expands to take over your life. Regardless of your ability for herculean efforts, sooner or later you’re going to tire of this. And no matter how many hours you work, you’re business still won’t be getting the best of you.
So you need schedule time for work AND for play. By forcing yourself to close the office door on weekends, you’ll actually find yourself WANTING to return to work. It’ll help bring back that excitement you had when you first started your business.
Hint: need help on not working? Read Tom Hodkinson’s book How to Be Idle: A Loafer’s Manifesto. Trust me, reading it won’t make you lazy.
Surrender (Every Once In Awhile) - I know, I know. It’s hard for us ‘Type A’ personalities to relinquish control. But you’re kind of in a 12 step program now, AA and other 12 step programs invoke the Serenity Prayer. Whatever your faith, it’s a powerful passage.
Recognize Negative Thought Patterns - A you hearing voices? I do. We all do. It’s that little bug in your ear that kicks you for all your little foibles - past, future & present. It’s the continuing narrative of our life…and I don’t know if it’ s me but my narrator’s a jerk.
I’ll be tooling along feeling good about myself when — BAM! — out of nowhere he reminds me of an embarrassing memory from 3rd grade and then I wince. I kid you not, I physically wince. Personal issues aside, it’s pretty common.
The trick is to get ahead of these thoughts by not allowing yourself to be ‘of’ them. By that I mean, let the thought drift in, but be a conscious, unemotional observer to the thought. Then you can start to take steps to control what thoughts you’re having and when.
He who knows no guilt knows no fear
–Philip Massinger
Are we ever going to eliminate these feelings entirely? No.
What it takes is an awareness of our emotional state and then applying intelligence to build new habits.
So, rather than reveling in these perceived keys to our success. We can work to recognize them for what they are and re-channel stray thoughts to a better use.
Related posts:
Oh, this article most certainly resonates! And here I was, thinking that I was the only mature sensible self-sufficient person who could be undone entirely in a split second by the sudden rise of cringe-making memory… I think that’s why Dale Carnegie still sells: we may chuckle a bit at some of the archaic phrasing (or I do, browsing my decades-old secondhand paperback versions - maybe the texts have been updated?), but the whole DC outlook is based on a strong understanding of human nature and the ways that our minds can sabotage us. The Fiore book isn’t familiar to me, but sounds like one to put on the list. Thanks!